From the Inside Out

Lord, change me from the inside out! This has been my prayer for the last month. I have just 'sank' into the praise song, "Inside Out."

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul,
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
(Hillsong copyright)

As much as this has been my prayer, the meditation revealed something far greater and harder to swallow than just the praise of my heart.

Yes, my cry is to change me from the inside out. Create in me a permanent and lasting change Lord. Change my heart first so that the thoughts and actions that come from it are truly a reflection of Christ!

But, if this is my cry, wouldn't it be true that others that share my faith are being changed from the inside out. Doesn't that mean that changes are being made in their hearts that I don't see? Why then am I so quick to judge where a woman's heart is set? Truly God is at work in all of us to change us from the inside out and I must learn to see with God's eyes into the process that all our hearts are making, to be changed from the inside out!

I Won!!!

I did it! I faced my Fear Giant and won!

First off, for all those praying for Lydia, THANK YOU! Lydia's MRI came back completely normal and no sign of a tumor.

As with any trial in life, if you look hard enough you will find God working in and through the trial itself.

I prayed that God would send his angels to Lydia in her dreams while under general anesthesia. Sometimes, God let's you in on the hidden things by making it obvious.

When Lydia and I were taken back to the MRI prep room, we entered the "Curious George" room. To Lydia's delight 'monkey George' was there to greet her and keep her happily entertained. Lydia watches 'monkey George' atleast 3 times a week.

Lydia was offered a choice of chapsticks for the Anesthesiologist to use to make the 'gas' smell good while she drifted off to sleep. They handed Lydia the tray of chapsticks and let her choose. She said; "I take this one" and promptly popped off the lid and applied to her beautiful pink lips. The Dr. and nurse laughed and said,"Congratulations, you now get to take that one home!" She was so excited! She quickly asked if I could hold on to it while she "took her medicine". Lydia drifted to sleep easily and without a fight.

I held it together until I kissed her goodbye. There is nothing more frightening than leaving her with people who will 'care' for her medically but don't have a clue as to who she is!! I was escorted back to the waiting room and when my hand pushed the last door open, my phone rang. Joanne called, because she knew from experience that walking away from your child was the hardest part. God was in that phone call. The precise timing told me so!

When Lydia woke up she greeted me with a smile and began to tell me that she was taking a bath! She must have many dreams. At least twice a week she will wake up and begin telling me a story of where she was or what she was doing. Taking a bath is a sure fire way to make her happy. So, thank you Lord for the angels while she was under!

Amazingly, by 10:30 that very morning our Doctor called with the results of the MRI!!

I just had to share some of the details of God in and through my mom trial!

May you look for and find His hand in your life today!

FEAR!!!

I heard a conversation on The Way FM radio station (89.7 for those of you in Denver). They were discussing a comment by a listener. She is 9 months pregnant and has a fear about her baby being unattractive. She was concerned if this was normal or just her being shallow.

I thought about that for a while. At first I didn't relate, because I never had that specific fear with my children but I can tell you that FEAR is a base reaction to being a mother. After a while, I began to think; "Maybe that mom experienced excruiciating rejection because she did not feel that she was attractive." We never know where the fears originate but I am certain that fear can get a stronghold on you the moment you realize you are going to be a mom.

This Friday my youngest one is going in for an MRI. She has had 4 known episodes of dizzy spells that effect her to the point of falling completely to the ground (highly unusual in a busy little 3 year old.) Of course they are running the MRI to rule out a tumor.

It's funny that some things you should fear seem to have no foothold. I actually have a lot of peace that we are not dealing with a brain tumor. HOWEVER, I hate the idea that she will have to have general anesthesia for this procedure. Now THAT SCARES ME!!!

The worst part of fear is that it paralizes me from action. Fear becomes a prison in which I sit and rot in the festering possibilities with bars on the windows of hope.

Well, tonight I face my giant of fear and take action in prayer. God is in, around and working through all things and He will be fully present in every heart beat of Lydia throughout this procedure, on her way out of anesthesia and during our day. I will let you know how I, as a mom, fare while staring my fear down!

What gives me JOY!

Nathaniel played his first flag football game yesterday! His team won but I think that he would have just as much joy by just playing. He tried baseball/tee-ball for the last 2 years and I never did see the spark in his eyes as I do with football!

It makes me realize how much God delights in my joy. I’m sure He has watched me for years struggle through jobs and volunteer work that I did because I was ‘supposed’ to do it to be a successful woman. When, in fact, it brought him sorrow to see me struggle through a false identity until I broke through into the real me.

An example of this would be how I parented. I used to think I was a worthless Mom who would end up being the kind of Mom you could hardly wait to go to college to get away from. I compared myself to other women and the thoughts that went through my head went like this: “I should bake more, good moms love to bake cookies and make desserts for their kids,” “I should want to be on the floor making car noises with my son, good moms always play with their kids,” “I really should be okay with my daughter making a complete mess on the kitchen table for her craft a half an hour before dinner.” You can see the list would go on and on. Now, in the midst of this dialogue were also nuggets of truth. Another thought in my head: “A good mom would never yell at her children” The truth here is that I did have a problem with my anger. The lie was that I should never lose my temper. So when I teased out the truth, confessed the part I was doing wrong, always yelling and harsh, and asked God to help me find a way to be a better mom, he brought to my life women, who became good friends, who taught me by example how to be a gentle mom, even a mom who could gently correct her kids.

Along with that triumph came the reality that I am good at tickling, teasing, talking, snuggling, believing, and dreaming with my kids. That’s what makes me a good mom. Every once in a while I make myself set aside what I am doing and go and throw a softball or Frisbee, accept instruction on how to throw a football, or play the “Old McDonald” game with my two year old for the 20,000th time. But that is still not what makes me a good mom. What makes me a great mom is that I am the best at being the kind of mom God made me to be.

What brought me the most joy was seeing my son excel at a game he was built for. I think God’s heart is full of joy when He sees me doing what he made me to do!